A student in his mid-forties from my ethics class flew from South Carolina to his parent’s home in the mid-west. He took a cab to their house, told the driver to wait, walked into the den where his parents were sitting, pulled a banana out of his pocket, sliced it in half, walked out, went back to the airport, and flew home. This definitely sits at the top of my list of strange responses to a class I had taught.
The class was composed of married adults with only a few younger singles. We had spent a lengthy time discussing the passages on marriage and one’s relationship with their parents. In the narrative when God instituted marriage it says, For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24). I had shared my personal experience in my relationship with my Dad. While living in Africa in my thirties, I began realizing the unhealthy control my Dad still had over me. I constantly asked myself if he would be displeased about something I purchased or that I did. He was geographically 8000 miles away, but ever present in my mind. I also realized my effort to please him had affected my marriage.
Paul quotes this passage in Ephesians when writing about marriage as a picture of Christ and the Church. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Eph 5:31 NIV). The word translated ‘leave’ literally means to abandon, forsake, or desert. New Testament writers used the word 25 times in passages such as when Paul left behind his companions to travel without them. The shepherd abandoned the ninety-nine sheep to search for the one lost lamb. A second important word to note is ‘united’, which means to glue together. As two pieces of wood glued together, we are to glue ourselves to our spouse. After a woodworker prepares and cleanses wood of any foreign material as dust or oil, and glues them together it produces an almost unbreakable bond.
Leaving or abandoning father and mother does not always mean physical relocation. For us, moving to Africa did mean forsaking physical contact, which my Dad and family opposed. However, for me I was subconsciously still in mental bondage. Forsaking our mother and father never means that we disrespect or dishonor them. The command indicates a relational change. Our primary relationship changes from mother and father to our spouse. The relationship of control between parents and children is always temporary but the husband-wife relationship is for the remainder of life. Marriage brings a man and a woman into a new dynamic that takes two individuals and creates a new single entity, the two will become one flesh. Not forsaking parents would be like leaving two boards with dust or oil on them thus preventing and weakening a strong bond from glue.
A husband or wife who has never forsaken their parents and not been glued to their spouse as they should, could result from fear or desiring a parent’s approval. I strove to know my Dad thought I did a good job. I never did anything good enough to receive his admiration. Even after marriage living thousands of miles away, the effort to please did not change in my mind. The Holy Spirit gave me understanding of this scripture and helped me make a mental declaration. I abandoned the mental control I had allowed him to hold over me. Even until his death, I was unable to gain his approval, but it no longer mattered to me. I became more concerned with my wife and pleasing her and God. My Dad was no longer in charge of my life. Actually, my affinity with him improved after this.
Another aspect of this process is that parents must respect their children’s primary relationship with their spouse. Mothers or fathers who desire to continue controlling their son or daughter’s life make cleaving to a spouse even more difficult. However, parents are no longer in charge of their adult children’s lives. Husbands and wives must at times make decisions that will be against the wishes of their parents. I have known several couples that God called as missionaries, yet, either the husband or wife would not leave their parents, or their parents refused to allow them to leave. None of these couples had forsaken or abandoned their primary relationship with their parents and been glued to their spouse.
Abandoning and cleaving does not mean you need to cut a banana in half in the presence of your parents. My student’s method was the way he felt he must sever from their control. It worked because within two years, he and his wife reestablished their troubled marriage. They later began conducting seminars for other struggling couples. Most of the time, it will be a mental choice only you and your spouse know about. Yet, in some situations, it might also be necessary for you and your spouse to sit down with controlling parents and establish boundaries. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if your primary relationship is your spouse.
Sustaining Word for the Week: Honor your father and mother, but husband and wife, glue yourself to your spouse. Parents, respect your child as an adult with a new primary relationship.