“Granddaddy, I have a new friend”, shared my excited grandson as he came running in the door. “That’s great. What’s his name?” “Well, I don’t know yet. But can I spend the night with my new friend?” Of course, my disappointing answer was no. Years ago, my pastor and mentor told me that when I reached his age (early 60’s) if I could count on one hand the number of true friends I had I should consider myself blessed. I actually doubted and wondered if my wise teacher was totally correct about that. Yet, the older I became, the more I began doubting my earlier doubts in my pastor as the number of people I considered a friend eroded away.
A British ‘friend’ once asked me a thought provoking question, which I pondered for a long time. “Why do Americans so quickly label people as a friend?” Like my grandson, the term can become a loose label with little meaning. As we grow in our understanding of what constitutes friendship through scripture and experiences, the smaller our list gets of those we call friend. Friendship brings the possibility of two emotions—pleasure or pain. Space doesn’t allow me to give an in-depth definition of the word friend, but my goal is to provoke your thoughts.
The first principle we must learn is that we are not going to become friends with everybody we meet. That fact makes it vital we understand the various levels of friendship. Numerous biblical writers say three components are involved in friendship and determine the level of connection two people have: 1) association, 2) loyalty, and 3) affection. The first level of friendship has only association. Examples include neighbors we know on a casual basis or people with whom we occasionally chat. The second level includes both association and loyalty. Most of our co-workers would fall under this category. We are associated with each other and loyal because we work for a common goal. OT and NT translate two words friend that literally mean comrade. Levels one and two could be called comrades. After pondering my British friend’s question, I began using the term acquaintance.
The highest level contains all three, association, loyalty, and affection with affection being the emotional bond, that takes place. The number of friendships at this level will vary with each person. Type-A extroverted people want lots of level three friends. Introverted melancholy people like me have little or no urge for this level of friendship. I tell people I could be one of those people who lives isolated in remote Alaska, but my wife reminds me I don’t like snow and I wouldn’t have the internet.
Hurt happens when individuals, especially children, feel pressured and try too hard to make friends. Not only do they experience hurt and disappointment, they wonder what is wrong with them when they are rejected. This third level of friendship never happens overnight. It requires time with various trust/risk experiences. Trust is the indispensable prerequisite for friendship. A level three relationship involves making yourself vulnerable. As a relationship grows, we share more about ourselves. We always take a risk of rejection. However, continued acceptance by the friend brings a closer bond and leads to trust and a freedom to share more. This cycle may continue throughout a friendship. We can add another level for a person considered ‘best friend’. By far, the best example in the Bible is David and Jonathan. The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself (1 Sam 18:1, 20:17). These relationships are few. Beyond my wife, I have only one person I met thirty years ago and we are still best friends.
Nancy Honeytree, a singer/songwriter and pioneer in contemporary Christian music provided three other types of friendship that has helped me in my understanding of people to whom I’ve ministered. Awareness of these, mentor friendship, mentee friendship, and mutual friendship, can prevent hurt when the ministry ends. I couldn’t count the people I have taught, counseled, and mentored in over 40 years of ministry. Some were in the classroom and some in a causal relationship with several not even knowing mentoring was my purpose for the relationship. We had fun together, did activities together, etc., but always in my mind was, “how can I help them today and teach them to be more like Jesus.” Mentor and mentee friends should understand that boundaries exist. For formal students, we know a time will come when they graduate and leave. Ending informal mentee friendships are the most difficult to handle because they end for various reasons. One or the other may relocate. The mentee friend can become unteachable. I’ve experienced this with people and that indicated it was time to move on to someone else.
George Eliot said, “Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.” Have friends, but choose carefully. Avoid those who seek friendship for selfish reasons. Above all remember, God is a friend and knows your name. “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend (Jam 2:23 NIV).
Sustaining Word for the Week: Jesus said, I’m no longer calling you servants. No, I’ve named you friends (Jn 15:15 MSG).